Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
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34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*