Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
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Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.