Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
You Might Also Like
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Ferrari squats
[the middle of showering] I need a break
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?