Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
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*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
dictator is short for richard potato
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.