Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
You Might Also Like
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Florida be like…
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?