If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
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Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
BRAKING NEWS!!
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan