There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
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Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Well well well…
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing