art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
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Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.