My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
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Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Does your wife know you’re single?
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.