“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
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I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!