For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
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Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Left at a local drug store…
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.