People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
You Might Also Like
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.