coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
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ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer