[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
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Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
#MeanwhileInCanada
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?