Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
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If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.