I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
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LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Finally!