Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
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Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
This makes total sense…
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.