I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
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A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
That’s a good costume, I hope.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.