Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
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I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
this is the greatest thing ever
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”