I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
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Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god