If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
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Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
…..pretty much.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Ape together strong
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!