You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
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Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
no one likes gloating
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
nyc:
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.