[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
You Might Also Like
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Very good! 👍😂
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.