I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
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[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
One venti cheeseburger please.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Oh yeah that’s it
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Me: how are you
Friday: good
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan