“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
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I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.