The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
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Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
My inexpensive home security system…
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Happy Caturday!
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.