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My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.