In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
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Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
absolutely not
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*