The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
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Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
When someone says you are so lazy
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]