My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
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I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Only a mother’s love …
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation