Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
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I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
I saw this ending much differently.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage