Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
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Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Fight
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets