Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
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My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Hello Twits.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”