Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
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Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.