It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
You Might Also Like
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.