Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
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1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
I’m literally crying
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place