ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
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Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
scrabbled eggs
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
scares
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Just me and my debit card against the world
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
? 💀
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.