Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
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Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?