In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
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Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.