starting a garage orchestra
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Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
that colleague who touches your screen
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”