If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
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Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.