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I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games