How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
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“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government