Money is the root of all wealth
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[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”