I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
You Might Also Like
I like crazy people until they notice me
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
I think my mom just blocked me
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)