LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
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[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
the council will decide your fate
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes