My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
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It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.