*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
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Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
adam and eve had first world problems
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
#Caturday
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Found my door mat
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
good work, detective