At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
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Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Vodka burrito was a success
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.