Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
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If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
These work great until they don’t.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.